Hanjuuluver's Biscuits of humor
by hanjuuluver
Summary: a series of contest drabbles including fma. The first chapter decribes it better, and the second chapter is the first actual instalment. please read, review, and rate!
1. Chapter 1

This is a set of drabbles that my friends and I are working on. It is mostly done for a challenge, and thus it has some rules. These rules are as follows (and I took them from Jane Austen Girl, so DISCLAIMER!):

Thou shalt rate the drabble on a scale of 1-10, awarding points for whatever thou thinkst best.

There shall be 1000 words or less than 1000 words, no more.

There shall be nothing beyond oranges, which are barest hints of intimate interaction. Kumquats, or kisses, shall be frequent.

The title drawn is the theme.

Five words shall be drawn from the enormous drabble pot to provide the weekly challenge of inclusion

If there is a crossover included, it shall be present in the disclaimerness at the heading. Thou art warned of their possible presence, therefore, rate it on quality, not presence or absence.

The drabble shall be of any genre.

No main character shall die, for that is depressing, even if it does lead to character development. In short, NO DEATH FICS!

There shalt not be the pairings of Royai or EdWin, although any other, including a RoyStrong pairing, is acceptable shudders at mental images and attempts to refrain from rescuing Roy

Finally: The drabble shall be posted at 8:00 on the sixth day following the drawing, should this be possible for the parties involved.

Ok, so now you know what we are doing. The first drabble should be up in about a week. I hope you will all come and read them! We all appreciate the input!


	2. Habitual Acquiescence

Woot! 317 words! I think this is the shortest thing I have ever written other than my two Envy fics, but I think it turned out pretty well. Ok, that was my A/N, and now I should probably get on to the summary. Oh but wait… I need to do a disclaimer saying I don't own this… I think everyone who puts a disclaimer on their stories deserves a captain obvious shirt. That fact aside, and the fact that I just wrote my disclaimer in my A/N, I suppose that means I can actually write the summary now.

**_SUMMARY:_ the habits of various military personnel. Ed/Roy, cuz it's kawaii. Also Havoc/Riza.**

Words needed to use: Squishy, evil zipper, short, chibi, midget.

Habitual Acquiescence:

Habits were commonplace in the military. Each person has to gain at least one; otherwise, they won't survive. Havoc smoked. Riza threatened him with her gun, saying that if he kept it up she would shoot him. She didn't want her boyfriend dying of lung cancer. He laughed, and said he appreciated the concern, but the gun would kill him faster. Armstrong scared people with his sparkles, and always boasted of his talents passed down the Armstrong line for generations. Hughes brandished his photos of Elycia to anyone he could find and blackmailed them into buying a squishy teddy-bear for his "sweet little angel," as he had so dubbed her. Ed always wore that black vest with the evil zipper on it and made a point of letting everyone know he was there, especially if they made the mistake of calling him short. It was all habit. After so long, it would be strange for them not to, and to be honest, none of them ever really thought of stopping. It kept them happy. It gave the life of a soldier at least one thing that would remain a constant, despite everything else that changed.

Roy's habit was going with the flow and never let anything phase him, and if it did, not to show it, not unless he could trust the person infinitely. Perhaps that was why when his short, chibi midget of a subordinate had come in with a determined look in his eye and his red cloak billowing out behind him, he had continued to sit there, and when the same blond kissed him on the lips, he kissed back. After all, it wasn't really that surprising. He had known it for years, and he had a feeling that Ed had too. It was the same day that Roy had gained another habit, and another person he could let his mask slip around.

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A/N: Ok, now that you've read, please leave a review rating it on a scale of 1-10 (1 being crap and 10 being awesome), and then please go read the other 3 fics with which this is competing. They can be found in the stories of NinjaSquirls, Jane Austen Girl, and Happy-Moogle-Mustang. They all share the same title of Biscuits of Humor, and will have the name of the author posted in the title as well. For example, mine is Hanjuuluver's Biscuits of Humor. Please rate theirs as well, because otherwise this will be a really boring contest.


	3. Perplexed Music

Disclaimer: If I owned FMA then I wouldn't be writing this amazing piece of total crack right now.

Summery: Ed and Roy go to a bar for their date. Havoc ensues, and no, I'm not talking about Havoc the obsessive smoker.

Once again a reminder, if you read this fic, please read the fics of the other contestants as well. And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! If you read, then rate! You don't even have to leave a real review! just put down a number between 1 and 10 based on how much you liked it. 1 being it sucked and 10 being awesome. This goes for all the other contestants fics as well, cuz it's not much of a contest if one person gets more ratings cuz they're more popular. We want to keep the playing field as even as possible.

Words/Phrases needed:

"I swear to drunk I'm not God!"

"Elp! Elp! I'm, bein oppressed!"

"Clicky-Pen"

"To be or not to be, that is the question; whether tis nobler to arms against the sea of troubles or…"

"Sometimes it helps to be upside down."

Perplexed Music (Irony in its truest form in my opinion):

It had become ritual for Ed and Roy to go out at least once a week. Even though they had started living together about a year ago, partly so Ed wouldn't have to worry about Al bringing cats into the barracks whenever they were there, the two males still enjoyed getting out together. One night it would be a restaurant, the next a movie, but tonight Roy had decided to take Ed to his favorite bar. The two frequented the place often enough, and Ed quickly agreed.

Later that night, after leaving Al at Gracia's for the night (Hughes had been insisting Al spend more time with Elysia, so the plan worked out well enough), Ed and Roy headed over to Kate's Bar. The place wasn't too fancy. A smooth, well-polished oak bar took up one corner of the room, a warm fireplace decorated the wall at the far end and an old piano rested next to it, inviting someone to play it. A few comfortable chairs sat around the fireplace, and tables were scattered around the rest of the bar. It was rather late. The place was mostly empty with just a few couples scattered sparsely throughout the room.

"Hey you two. Haven't seen you here in a while. What've you been up to?" The bartender asked. She looked somewhat out of place in the quaint bar with her multiple piercings, dark, spiky hair, and black trench coat.

"Hey, Kate. Not much, you?" Roy responded as he and Ed walked over, Roy's arm draped over Ed's shoulders.

"Business has been pretty good. Little boring, though." Kate said. "What can I get for you two?"

"A round of whiskey for everyone here!" Roy exclaimed mischievously. Kate's eyes sparkled deviously as she took out 12 glasses from behind the bar and started pouring the drinks.

Two hours later:

One of the previously civilized couples was up on top of the bar doing what some would call dancing – but then, the people who would call it dancing would have to be as drunk as the people who were doing it, and that would be very drunk indeed. Ed looked tipsily over at Roy, who was talking dramatically about his recent run-in with Santa Clause and how he had liberated all the elves from the red-man's cruel tyranny. Ed, looking genuinely impressed said, "to be or not to be; that is the question, whether tis nobler to take arms against a sea of troubles or…"

"…to click your pen ten times as fast as you can!" Roy interrupted, as a clicky pen "magically" appeared in front of him. probably from the guy who was hanging upside down on the lamp that was hanging overhead. Ed seemed to have missed the fact that the man had been hanging there for half an hour already. It was truly amazing that the man was _still_ swinging on the lamp.

"FUN!! I WANNA TRY!!" Ed exclaimed, hopping up on the bar and knocking over the pair of "dancing" people as he went by. As soon as he found a lamp he jumped up as high as he could, reaching out for the lamp, missed, and fell off the bar into some random guy's lap. In a drunken rage Roy ran over, picked the dazed Ed up off the guy's lap, and set the poaching man's hair on fire. The man then ran away yelling "Elp! Elp! I'm bein' oppressed!"

"God, Roy, you're drunk as hell!" Kate exclaimed from her vantage point on top of one of the tables (1).

"DRUNK! You wouldn't dare call me drunk if I were sober!" he exclaimed.

"Great guess. Now go help your boyfriend get up on that lamp. He's too short to get up there himself." she pointed out, wondering how one of Ed's short rants would sound if he were drunk.

"I'M NOT A PIPSQUEAK TO SHORT TO REACH THE TOP OF MY OWN HEAD!"

"Are too," Kate said, pissing Ed off even more. Roy picked up the fuming blond and placed him upside down on the lamp the boy had previously attempted to cling to. "Sometimes, it just helps to be upside down," Roy explained as his chibi was pacified.

Just then Riza walked into the bar, pointed her gun at the pyromaniac Colonel, and calmly said, "You're drunk, sir."

Kate nodded.

"RIZA! I SWEAR TO DRUNK, I'M NOT GOD!!" Roy exclaimed, a look of panic spreading over his features.

"Come sir, you'll thank me for this later," She explained, making a waving motion with her hand. Suddenly, a shirtless mass of muscles and shiny pink sparklies entered the no-longer quiet bar.

"EEP!" Roy squealed as he latched on to the upside-down alchemist who was swing on the lamp looking completely at peace, unaware of his boyfriend, who was holding on for dear life, thinking that if he held on long enough Armstrong would give up. Clearly he hadn't heard the story of the perseverance that had been passed down the Armstrong family for generations.

For some random reason old western music started to be played on the piano as Armstrong's one curl of hair took on a mysteriously mischievous look and he began to tug the two alchemists away from the lamp, who were apparently intending to take the lamp with them.

"You break my lamp, you'd better pay for it!" Kate exclaimed, standing up on the table and brandishing a deadly looking fist at Armstrong, who was easily five feet taller than her, but who quaked in fear of the threat none the less. The random piano music still played in the background, and Armstrong managed to pull the two alchemists away. Sadly, he ended up taking the lamp with them, and all three ran frantically out the door, attempting to escape the wrath of the bartender, who was now chasing after them, shouting imprecations, with what appeared to be a retractable machete. Riza sighed and walked out into the night, leaving the rioting drunks behind her.

End

(1): Kate was there because a) all the chairs had been flipped over and b) it gave her a good view of the chaos.

That was fun to write! I had to take out a couple lines because of the stupid word limit -mumbles angrily- And for anyone who recognized Kate, my muse, congratulations! And yes, she really is like that. I could give additional description, but I wanted to get to the fun drunk scene. This was so much fun to write!! And if this _could_ have a sequel, which it probably couldn't and so it won't, it would be entitled, "Hangovers are amusing" a quote from NinjaSquirls. Why it would be called this? I don't quite know. I just felt like saying it. Well, please rate it! And if so inclined, drop a review as well before heading off to read "biscuits of humor" written by NinjaSquirls, Happy-Moogle-Mustang, and JAG.


	4. Sophia's in the Atmosphere

Disclaimer: Do you honestly still think I own this?

Words:

1) Numa Numa

2) Did you know hand sanitizer is flammable?

3) Who are you calling drunk? I ain't drunk! You wouldn't dare call me drunk if I was sober!

4) Substitute

5) It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a large fortune must be in want of a wife. (this one is allowed to be manipulated in minor ways)

Summary: fluffy fluff type fluff involving yuri and some yaoi. More specifically, Winry/Sheska. Ed/Roy. Don't like, don't read. Or do read and then flame. Those amuse me. Probably because they're true in my case… on with the fluff!

_**SOPHIA'S IN THE ATMOSPHERE: **_

"Did you know hand sanitizer is flammable?" a voice came floating in to the solitude of the small research room in Central Head Quarters.

"Roy, how many times do I have to tell you? You're not supposed to light things here on fire!" came the scolding voice of Ed.

"Please?" Roy's voice pleaded.

"No, now come on Roy, I promised Winry I'd tell her. now move it and don't set anything on fire." Sheska perked up at the mention of her girlfriend.

"Spoilsport," Roy whined as he opened the door for Ed.

"Hey, Sheska. Buried in books again?" Ed asked, poking his head inside.

"It is my job after all," Sheska responded, transferring a pile of books from her lap to the floor beside her. "What is it?"

"Winry asked me to see if you were free tonight. She said she tried to call you in your office, but no one picked up. I guess this is why."

"Sure! Did she say what time and where?"

"Six o'clock, you're house. She'll need a ride though. You have a car, right?" Ed asked as Roy draped himself over the chibi alchemist. Sheska nodded. "Good. Roy, get off. You're drunk, and I can't walk when you're leaning on me like that." Ed said.

"Who are you calling drunk? I ain't drunk! You wouldn't dare call me drunk if I was sober!" (1) Clearly Roy had yet to recover from his drunkenness the night before when he had been at Kate's bar.

"Come on," Ed sighed and took hold of his Colonel and dragged him away, giving an apologetic smile to Sheska as he left.

After Sheska cleaned up the house so Winry could actualy move around without falling over a giant pile of books, She got in her car, turned on the radio, and drove over to Winry's apartment. By the time she pulled up the radio was playing her favorite song, Numa Numa, and once Winry got in they started singing together.

"That was fun!" Winry exclaimed once the song ended.

"There is no substitute for bouncy Romanian pop music!" Sheska agreed.

"so true. So what do you have planed for when we get home?" Winry asked, looking over at Sheska.

"I made some chicken on rice and picked up some red wine. Other than that, I didn't prepare anything. I thought we could just relax together."

"That sounds nice. You always have great ides."

"Thanks, Win." Sheska said, turning to smile at her girlfriend. "Well, here we are!" the two got out of the car and linked hands as they walked up to the door.

"There's still some piles of books lying around, so be careful," Sheska warned as she opened the door for Winry.

"Alright. Have you found anything interesting?" Winry asked, perfectly aware that Sheska would have found at least twenty since the last time she had seen her, which was only about three days ago. She smiled as Sheska started listing about a thousand different books.

"One of my favorites that I just picked up for a light read is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. There's a quote in there I absolutely loved. 'It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a large fortune must be in want of a wife.' But on another topic, let's go get something to eat.

After dinner Sheska collapsed onto the couch and leaned over to grab a book she had wanted to tell Winry about.

"Sophia's in the Atmosphere is a book about this girl named Sophia who was killed. She leaves behind her sister and brother, both of which she was very close to, and her boyfriend who had recently proposed to her. They were going to get married, and on the day she died, Sophia was going to tell her parents the news. Before she could get there, there was an accident. Some drunk or something was driving on the wrong side of the road, and she couldn't swerve to avoid him, so it was a head-on collision. Sophia died, but her spirit didn't move on to the next plane. Instead, she kind of became one with everyone she was close to, and the book is about them and what they do while she's gone. It's rather sad, but at the same time very nice and romantic," Sheska said as Winry sat down next to her and leaned her head on Sheska's shoulder.

"If I died, I'd want to stay with you too. You mean more to me than you can ever imagine," Winry said.

"And you make me whole, Winry. At this point, I don't think we'll ever be apart. Even if one of us was gone, we would never be alone," Sheska speculated, twirling a stray piece of Winry's blond hair between her fingers.

"mmm… I like it like this. I wish it could be like this forever."

"It always will. You are my Sophia, and I am yours, and even when we are both gone, our spirits will remain here, to be together forever."

"I am so glad I found you, Sheska," Winry whispered, trying not to think about what life would be like if she had never met Sheska. Certainly she'd still be as lost as she had been when Ed had left Rizembool after burning down the house. Sheska had filled that empty place, along with a whole she hadn't even realized she had until the first time they had kissed.

"I love you, Winry."

"I love you too," Win whispered, leaning in to kiss the woman who had made her whole, her Sophia…

End

(1): Yes, I realize I used this on the last one. Who would have thought we would actually draw it this soon? Oh well…

A/N: HA! I finished it! It took a lot of shortening, then elongating again, and then editing and re-wording, and much avoidance of homework to complete this chapter. Hopefully it turned out better than the last chapter did. Again, sorry about the re-use of a drunken quote, but hey, things happen. Let me know what you think. Review, rate, and/or decapitate me with an opossum. It's all good. Especially the rating part. Please do that, and then go on and read, review, and rate the partner fics to this by NinjaSquirls, Jane Austen Girl, and Happy-Moogle-Mustang, all of whom are now on my favorite authors list. It doesn't make a very good contest if you only read and rate one of these fics! Then it just becomes another obnoxious popularity contest, and among the geeks of fan-writing (myself most certainly included), these types of things are best avoided. Well, you know what you need to do, so go do it!


	5. Captain of PleasureGrounds

A/N: this idea during Trig class. Amazing, isn't it? Other than that little note, I have everything else of importance either below this or in the other A/N at the end.

WARNING!!! SPOILERS FOR THE END OF THE SERIES!! DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO BE SPOILED!!!

Summary: yaoi (of course) Ed/Roy. Flangst. Some violence. If I tell you anymore it would kinda give it away… ENJOY!

Disclaimer: If I owned FMA, there would be more yaoi. And the second movie would be out already. Are they even making a second movie? Clearly I can't own this if I don't even know if their making a second movie. Too bad…

Words:

1)taco-bell dog

2) cold

3) ring

4) Security! Security!

5) Shifty

Captain of Pleasure-grounds

Ed stared blankly at the brown bag with the giant picture of the Taco Bell dog plastered across one panel, not even registering the wafts of odor from the chicken quesadilla that resided inside. His mind was, as it had so often been as of late, somewhere else entirely. More specifically, it was back in Amestris with the Captain of his pleasure grounds, the one who could always make him smile - real smiles, not the empty kind he would give Al to try to convince him he was ok. Roy Mustang.

People often asked how he could call his life here hell. He knew because Roy was not there, and never would be. He was still on the other side of the gate, and without Roy, he was nothing. How could he tell them that when the words seemed empty and hollow compared to the feeling itself? How could he possibly use _words_ to describe this vacant feeling? How could they possibly understand? They couldn't. And so he would never say. They always gave up on asking eventually. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out he wasn't going to talk about it. Then again it might, as the only people he was even remotely close to actually _were_ rocket scientists. Well, minus his father. He still wasn't sure how he stood with that man. He was torn between forgiveness and his stubborn, lasting hatred for the man who had left his mother in her last few years of life.

Ed was jolted out of his dismal reflections when a crisp shout rang out across the cold winter air outside the small, busy restaurant. On instinct, Ed rushed out, completely forgetting about his lunch (1). Outside he heard the screams more clearly. It sounded like a man.

"Security! Security!" the voice shouted. Ed turned to locate the man and found him only about a block away. Judging by his attire, the natural assumption would be that he was a politician with short black hair and slightly tanned skin, who seemed to be being attacked by another man with blond hair and blue eyes. Ed sighed in exasperation. What was it with these German Supremacy people? Just what was so incredibly wrong with Jews, Gypsies, and just about anyone else? He didn't think he'd ever know. It was the same wherever he went - people mistreating others because they were different. Well he was different too, damn it, and he wasn't going to just stand there and watch as this man got beaten for no reason. Even if he _was_ in hell, that wasn't any excuse to let this happen.

As usual, Ed didn't waste any time getting into the fight. He quickly ran up to the blond man (silently thankful that the man didn't resemble anyone he had known from Ametris) and punched him hard in the mouth with his right hand. The other man briefly tried to fight back, but he was no match for his much more practiced adversary. The man went down in less than five blows

"You ok?" Ed asked before he had even turned around.

"Yeah. Thanks for that. And may I ask who you are so that I may thank you properly?" the dark man replied in a voice that was vaguely familiar. Ed turned to face the man he had just saved, breath catching in his throat. The man looked almost _exactly_ like Mustang. But it couldn't be. After a moment, Ed realized his voice wasn't nearly as deep or assured, and it lacked the omniscient tone that _his_ Roy had always possessed. His eyes weren't nearly as deep or complex, either. Ed slowly let out his breath, not certain if he should be disappointed that the man was so different, or glad because that made it easier to hold back the tears.

"Edward. Edward Elric. And you?"

"My name is Roux Imulmun. But you can just call me Roy. Thanks for helping me out there, Edward. It seems no one in this country can just leave us Jews alone," Roux said glumly, apparently not intending to voice the last.

"I understand. It's not easy for anyone who's different to live around here now. I'm glad I got the chance to meet you," Ed said, momentarily allowing himself to forget this wasn't _his_ Roy, and, just for a moment, letting himself believe he was speaking once more to the Captain of his pleasure grounds.

"I'm glad I could meet you too, Edward."

(1): how could you forget about a chicken quesadilla!! I love those!! Can I have it? Ed: help yourself. Me: YAY! –grabs the quesadilla— me gusto lo mucho! Muchas gracias! Tu eres muy alto!

A/N: HUZZAH! 751 words! And incase anyone was wondering, I actually got the name Roux by looking at all the German names starting with the letter "R" and trying to figure out which sounded most like "Roy" other than Roy, which was also there. Who knew? And the last name I took from Last Exile. Anyone who has seen that knows what I'm talking about. Ummm… I actually got this idea in the middle of Trigonometry class… not quite sure how that worked out. and for anyone who has never had a quesadilla, you need to. That and sopapillas and biscochitos. And toquitos. And if you don't know what any of those are, you are poor, poor deprived children. And for anyone who doesn't know Spanish, or does know Spanish and still can't understand the comment I made earlier, it was supposed to say "I like it a lot! Thank you! You are very tall!" Ok. That's all the A/N on my part. Remember, we live off ratings!! This is a contest after all!


	6. The Resolving Bed

Disclaimer: I do not own fma. Or a brain. But I would like both!

Rating: T for… well, look at the title. Nothing descriptive. Grapefruit at the most. And a little swearing.

title: The Resolving Bed  
"I am Envy! Bring on the ninnies!"  
"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and stare at it for hours."  
"Would you like fries with that?"  
Envy  
Riza on PMS  
Karmacalogical

"I AM ENVY! BRING ON THE NINNIES!" 

And with that phrase I knew Envy was pissed. Last time he was like this it was worse than Riza on PMS, and as anyone could tell you, that is _not_ a good thing (the bullets! The bullets! –shudders-). Why does my boyfriend always have to be so violent? Couldn't he just sit back and enjoy himself rather than going off and murdering everyone within a hundred-foot radius whenever anyone gives us odd looks?

I sigh and sit back in my seat and sip my hot, fragrant coffee while my violence-obsessed palm-tree goes about killing everyone in sight. I've long since grown used to this. The rest of the night is bound to be ruined unless… well, it's wouldn't be the first time I've resorted to that. Not that I particularly mind. The only drawback is having to leave. This is amusing, however, so I think I'll wait a little longer.

"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! ALL I ASKED WAS 'WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?'!!! OW!"

That was the last thing that unfortunate employee ever said as he was whacked over the head with what looked like a vase of flowers.

"Karmacalogical…" I stated before giving in and walking up to my Envy. "I know this is part of your job description - violence, killing, and general mayhem. And I like work. It fascinates me! I sit and stare at it for hours. But I think that's enough for now. We'll want to get out of here before the cops come."

He looked at me with that oh-so-pouty face he always makes about now.

"But why do we have to leave?" he asks as he wraps his slender arms around my neck. He wasn't making this any easier. "They can't hurt us, we'll always regenerate. Please?"

He moved his arms down to my waist and picked up his leg. Why did he have to be so damn sexy?

"Fine. Ten more minutes of destruction, and then we go home. To my house. There's less… distractions there, but plenty for you to do with me."

"Yay! I love you, Greed!" he shouted happily as he launched himself into the fight with all the excitement of a small child at Christmas. It never fails to amaze me how he can move with such grace amidst that chaos. And his smile never once left his face. Well, except for when he got a bloodstain in his hair, but I can't say I blame him for that. Bloodstains are bitches to remove.

His happiness was a good thing. It means less supposed-to-be-fatal wounds for me. And at the moment, despite how happy my green-haired lover looks, it is still quite obvious he is annoyed with me, since I had… limited… his favorite game, but there were ways around _that_. There was a reason, after all, that my bed was called the resolving bed…

Review, rate, etc.


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